


loving can hurt (i swear it will get easier)

by potatwoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, for the most part at least lol, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 04:32:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7962535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatwoo/pseuds/potatwoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As days pass, the distance between Wonwoo and Mingyu grows, and Wonwoo is torn between wanting to try mending their tearing friendship or letting it run its course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	loving can hurt (i swear it will get easier)

**Author's Note:**

> i literally just finished my chaptered fic four days ago and am already back with a one-shot. who am i. why am i such meanie trash. anyway.

“I want out.”

Wonwoo has been preparing himself to see the expression on Mingyu’s face fall into that of confusion, so when it does happen, the older takes it as his cue to elaborate on his words.

“The fanservice we do,” he says. “I want out.”

That’s when Mingyu realizes what’s going on, and soon he’s trying to convince Wonwoo to take back his words because their fanservice is “for the fans.” Mingyu reminds him that their fanservice garners attention and gets crowds to talk about them, which is a good source of publicity and promotion for their group. And Wonwoo understands where Mingyu’s coming from with such a business standpoint, really, because they won’t be anywhere near where they currently are in their thriving career as SEVENTEEN if it isn’t for the support of their fans, so keeping their fans happy is something they take seriously.

But Wonwoo has his limits, and he doesn’t want to do something that comes at the expense of his own heart.

“Can you at least tell me why you suddenly want to stop?” Mingyu eventually asks when Wonwoo continues to stand his ground despite any point that Mingyu has brought up. The tone in Mingyu’s voice has no spite in it--just a genuine desire to know and to understand Wonwoo’s perspective on the issue--yet Wonwoo feels his heart sting at the question.

He’s afraid to tell Mingyu the truth, so afraid that his blood continuously runs cold at the mere thought of it. But the feelings that Wonwoo has accumulated over the past few months has become too overwhelming to bottle up any longer, and all he can do at this point is have faith that Mingyu, who’s been his best friend for the past four years, won’t suddenly hate him for what he’s about to say.

Wonwoo takes a deep breath. Mingyu patiently waits.

“Mingyu…” Wonwoo starts. He’s spent so many days and hours practicing what to say at this moment, but he can’t look back to those practices when all could he think of is how loudly and rapidly his heart is beating against his chest. 

So he says the first phrasing that comes to mind without taking much precaution. 

“When we agreed to do fanservice with each other after our debut, it was on the basis that we wanted to get a response from the fans and was just for show… But recently I just…” Wonwoo doesn’t know where his mind is taking him with this trail of thought, so he goes straight to the point. “Mingyu, I love you in a way that’s more than a best friend should, and our fanservice is driving me insane because it’s starting… it’s starting to feel like everything we do is just mocking these feelings I have for you and giving me a taste of what I know we’ll never become. And I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”

Mingyu stays quiet for a few seconds, processing Wonwoo’s words, and Wonwoo feels like the practice room they had to themselves has gotten colder with the silence that has taken over. When Wonwoo looks Mingyu in the eyes, he sees a glint of guilt and pity (which hurts Wonwoo more than anything because pity is the last thing he wants), and any effort Wonwoo has had to stay strong in this situation comes crumbling down.

Wonwoo didn’t know that he had even the slightest tinge of hope that maybe, just maybe, Mingyu returned his feelings until Mingyu starts to apologize, and everything that comes out of his mouth feels like a sharp knife slowly cutting through Wonwoo’s skin.

“I’m sorry, Wonwoo...” Mingyu softly says, and Wonwoo thinks it doesn’t take a scientist to know what he’s apologizing for. He’s apologizing for the misleading fanservice, for the unrequited feelings, for the heart that’s already breaking--the list goes on.

Wonwoo knows that if he stays in the room any longer Mingyu will see the tears in his eyes that desperately want to fall, so he immediately gathers his belongings and leaves before anything else can happen.

 

 

When Wonwoo arrives back at the dorm by himself, Jihoon and Soonyoung are watching television in the living room. Both their gazes turn to Wonwoo, who doesn’t really spare a glance at them as he takes off his shoes by the door. Soonyoung curiously asks, “Hey, where’s Mingyu?”

Wonwoo’s baseball cap prevents Soonyoung and Jihoon from seeing his puffy and reddening eyes, which was due to the all the tears he let out during his walk back. “He wanted to practice a bit more, but I was getting tired so I told him I’ll head home first,” he lied, but it is such a common thing for the members to say that neither Soonyoung nor Jihoon bat an eyelash at his words

When Mingyu comes back to the dorm about an hour later, Wonwoo is already laying in bed and desperately trying to fall asleep, which the other members in the bedroom have long achieved. He hears Soonyoung on the other side of the wall asking Mingyu how his practice was, to which Wonwoo hears Mingyu say, “It could’ve gone better.”

Wonwoo doesn’t know how much weight that comment is supposed to have, if any at all, but he still feels a pang in his chest.

 

 

Mingyu respects Wonwoo’s wish to end their intentional fanservice to the best of their abilities, and the next time they’re standing on stage for a fanmeet, Mingyu frequently gravitates to Minghao and Jeonghan instead. He shares fits of giggles with them, plays random games with no rules with them, and initiates skinship with them on several occasions.

When Wonwoo isn’t preoccupied with speaking to the fans or talking to the other members, he maintains a stoic expression and takes a subtle glimpse at Mingyu’s direction. All Wonwoo has wanted in recent months was for Mingyu and him to not always be around each other, which is why he doesn’t understand the shitty feeling that begins to consume him as he watches Mingyu elicit such roaring responses from fans just by interacting with Minghao and Jeonghan.

But the longer Wonwoo observes the scene unfolding before him, the more he begins to think that the shitty feeling stems from how easy of a task it seemed for Mingyu to replace Wonwoo.

 

 

Wonwoo spends the rest of that fanmeet and the next few fanmeets forcing out smiles and laughter, which is a difficult task to make believable when all he’s been wanting to do lately is lay in bed and sleep away the disgusting feeling of self-loathe and heartache. His efforts to look happy, or even content at the very least, are further proven to be lousy when Seungcheol confronts him one day in the midst of recording for their new album.

“Wonwoo, can I speak to you outside for a second?”

Wonwoo feels but avoids the other members’ gazes on him as he gets up from the leather sofa in the recording studio and follows Seungcheol out the door. Once they’re in the hallway and out of hearing distance from the studio, Seungcheol speaks up.

“How are you?” He asks.

“I’ve had better days,” Wonwoo replies. “Why?”

“Well, both the fans and the members have been noticing a change in your behavior,” he begins. “As your friend, I want to respect your privacy. But as your leader, I have to know if you’re doing okay for the sake of the group. And if you’re not, is there anything I could do to alleviate whatever situation you are in or to help you out?”

Wonwoo absolutely hates that his personal issues have started to influence the way he acts, and he feels terrible knowing that people are out there worrying about problems that Wonwoo knows should never see the light of day in his professional and even personal life. 

Trusting that Mingyu hasn’t told a soul about his confession, Wonwoo simply tells Seungcheol, “Our back-to-back schedules for rehearsals, recordings, and fanmeets have been taking a toll on my energy, that’s all. But I’m sorry for making everyone worry. I’ll do better and work harder, hyung.”

For a few seconds, Seungcheol stays quiet and stares at Wonwoo as if he were waiting to see a crack in the younger’s expression that may give away that he’s hiding something, but he doesn’t find it. So he ends up believing Wonwoo wholeheartedly.

“Work harder, but remember that your health is a priority,” Seungcheol sincerely says. “If you continue to not feel good, let me know as soon as possible so we can talk and figure something out.”

Wonwoo nods.

“And I’m not just talking about your physical health,” Seungcheol adds, and Wonwoo feels his stomach jump because the leader’s words hit a bit closer to home this time around. “Your mental health is just as important.”

 

 

On their way back to the studio, Seungcheol throws an arm over Wonwoo’s shoulder as he shares a fond childhood story that the younger initially pays full attention to. But Seungcheol’s words begin to simply go in one ear and out the next as they enter the studio, and the first person Wonwoo accidentally locks eyes with is Mingyu.

Mingyu tries to avert the awkwardness of their eye contact by flashing a soft smile at him, one of the many breathtaking smiles that Mingyu’s shown to Wonwoo over the four years that they’ve known with each other. But with all the pain that Wonwoo’s heart begins to feel at the sight, Wonwoo can’t find it in himself to return the smile. 

Instead, Wonwoo looks away, and he pretends to not notice Mingyu’s hopeful expression fall.

 

 

By the time their next wave of fanmeets roll around, Wonwoo is in a much better shape to laugh and smile and talk with the members without feeling like his efforts are emotionally draining. At first, Wonwoo had still felt quite aloof on stage, still a bit lost in his thoughts, but he eventually learned that people, if the right ones, are one of the best medicines a person could ever have. In Wonwoo’s case, those people had typically been none other than Soonyoung, Seokmin, and Seungkwan.

Instead of standing in the sidelines as he had done during the past few fanmeets, Wonwoo had made an effort to surround himself with the positive energy that the three members radiated, and he eventually started to feed off of that energy. Seungcheol has also taken notice of Wonwoo’s efforts, and he has occasionally smiled his direction as his seal of approval.

 

 

While Wonwoo has been able to slowly but surely overcome the struggle of being genuinely invested at some public events, he continues to struggle in the private sphere, where there’s no set schedule, no cue cards, and no script to follow and to distract him. 

It’s at the end of the day, in the darkness of a shared bedroom, over the silence of the night, when Wonwoo’s mind speak volumes. His mind races with a million and one thoughts. He wonders why he has to feel this way, to have such intense feelings of being in love with his best friend--a male best friend nonetheless. He wonders what he has done in his past life to be put into a position where one wrong move could turn into one huge controversy.

More than anything else, Wonwoo thinks about Mingyu. He thinks about their friendship and never stops thinking about their trainee period, which Wonwoo believes has become the last of their halcyon days. It was the last time, Wonwoo feels, that he didn’t feel so wrapped up with trying to maintain a kind of image and simply did things for the sake of doing things.

What fucks Wonwoo up the most is that Mingyu and he have always had such a close relationship with each other. They have always had a lot of skinship and have always spent hours to themselves just laughing at jokes only they understand. And the only difference between then and now is the loss of authenticity and innocence in it all. In the span of a year, these gestures of genuine friendship have been tainted by both the desire to get attention and the over-analysis that comes with newfound romantic feelings.

Wonwoo thinks about the look of dejection that had painted Mingyu’s face when Wonwoo didn’t return his smile. More likely than not, Mingyu is just as lost as Wonwoo on how to approach the situation Wonwoo feels he has selfishly dragged his best friend into. Had Wonwoo continued to keep his feelings to himself, Mingyu and he would not be in their current state of subtly avoiding each other and feeling so goddamn awkward whenever they are near each other. 

All Wonwoo wants to do is go back to the time when feelings and fanservice did not get in the way, but he’s more than aware that those days are long gone and out of reach.

That night, Wonwoo goes to bed with a heavy heart and a tear-stained pillow case.

 

 

As days pass, the distance between Wonwoo and Mingyu grows, and Wonwoo is torn between wanting to try mending their tearing friendship or letting it run its course.

 

 

A week later, the members bask in the glories of a schedule-free day before they begin their Asia tour. Some members spend their day shopping in the city, and others go to a theme park while the remaining members have a beach day. But Wonwoo has decided to not go anywhere in favor of sleeping in late and having some time to himself at the dorm, where he could spend the rest of his day just catching up on some books and shows that he enjoys but hasn’t been able to keep up with due to heavy schedules. 

Wonwoo wakes up with eyes feeling drier than ever, but he ignores it and checks his cellphone to read all the messages the members sent in their group chat of their whereabouts only to learn that he isn’t the only one staying in. It turns out that Mingyu has also had the same intentions to just catch up on tv shows and laze around for the remainder of the day. And something about them being alone in the dorm together makes Wonwoo feel sick with anxiety.

When Wonwoo gets out of bed half an hour later, he makes his way to the bathroom across the hall and braces himself for any possible sighting of Mingyu along the way. Just as Wonwoo is about to open the bathroom door, the door opens from the other side, and Wonwoo feels his heart stop when he sees Mingyu standing closer to him that they have been in a while.

“Oh,” Mingyu says, and Wonwoo catches the soft blush that appears on the younger’s cheeks. He must feel uncomfortable at that moment, Wonwoo thinks, because he feels that way, too. “Good morning.”

Wonwoo simply nods his head. “Good morning.”

There’s a heavy silence for a few seconds before Wonwoo timidly points to the bathroom that Mingyu is still standing in front of. “Um…”

Realizing what Wonwoo is trying to say, Mingyu immediately steps aside from the door frame. “Oh, right, sorry,” he says.

“Don’t worry about it,” Wonwoo softly replies, avoiding Mingyu’s gaze as he enters the bathroom and closes the door behind him. Once he locks the door, Wonwoo resists the urge to repetitively slam the back of his head against it.

 

 

After washing up, Wonwoo heads back into the room, where he decides to stay since Mingyu has occupied the living room. But it doesn’t take a full episode of the show he’s watching before Mingyu knocks on the door Wonwoo left slightly open and comes inside.

Wonwoo pauses the video on his laptop, and tries to ignore the sweat that has begun to form in his hands as Mingyu takes a seat on the foot of Wonwoo’s bed.

“Hyung, can we talk?” Mingyu asks, and Wonwoo feels like the hesitance in his tone is so strange to hear, especially when Mingyu’s speaking to him. They were never like this, never too nervous to tell each other what was on their minds.

Wonwoo wants to say no, but his more rational side tells him to stop trying to ignore someone he cares far too much about to avoid forever.

“Yeah,” he replies. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well, I just… I really miss my best friend,” Mingyu confesses, and this time he’s looking down at his hands rather than at Wonwoo. “And I’ve been debating whether I should tell you that because it just feels so… so selfish of me? Like it just seems wrong for me to break your heart one day yet still have the audacity to say that I miss you the next.”

Wonwoo’s heart only breaks some more upon seeing Mingyu so vulnerable and at a loss of what to do all because of him.

“I don’t know how to act around you without feeling like I’m being insensitive to your feelings,” Mingyu continues, “when the reality is that I care so much about you and your well-being.”

Mingyu doesn’t seem like he’s going to say anything else any time soon, and Wonwoo doesn’t know what to say in return, so there is a heavy period of silence for the next minute or so. Wonwoo slowly scans the bedroom a couple of times before letting his eyes fall on his fiddling hands.

Wonwoo swallows his saliva before he slowly and hesitantly begins to speak.

“I miss my best friend, too,” he admits, and his voice seems to have caught Mingyu off guard because the latter abruptly lifts his head to look at Wonwoo. “But right now I feel like the best thing I could do for myself, at least for the meantime, is to not be around you so much, you know? Because falling for you has put me in this shitty cycle of misinterpreting the way we interact with each other and having false hope even though you’re treating me no different than you have been in the past.”

Wonwoo looks up at Mingyu, but he immediately looks away when he sees that the younger is pressing a finger to the inner corner of his left eye, and then to his right eye, evidently trying to prevent any of his slowly forming tears to fall down. Just as strange as it had been to hear Mingyu speak nervously, it is just as unfamiliar to see Mingyu on the brink of crying.

“I’m so sorry for making you feel this way,” Mingyu says when his hands are back on his lap. “I’m sorry for being a bad friend--”

“God, Mingyu, no! Stop apologizing,” Wonwoo snaps, but he sounds more desperate than angry. He doesn’t want Mingyu to feel like he’s the villain in this mess because the truth of the matter is that both of them are the victims to a shitty, shitty story. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t force me to have these feelings, and you’re far from a bad friend, okay? Just please don’t think you’re to blame for all this. Please.”

Mingyu stays quiet to steady his increasingly shaky breathing, which Wonwoo knows is a pattern associated with trying to hold in potential cries. Wonwoo gathers as much courage as he could before moving over to sit right next to Mingyu. Both of them have a leg on the bed that’s tucked under their thigh, so they could face each other.

Wonwoo tries his best to ignore his one-sided feelings when he takes a hold of Mingyu’s hand, and his heart only swells up with appreciation when Mingyu doesn’t flinch away.

“The fact that you aren’t disgusted by me and still want to be my friend after all this is really more than anything I could ever ask for,” Wonwoo says.

Mingyu backs his head a bit, as if he were a bit surprised. “Did you really think that I’d be disgusted?”

Wonwoo nods. Considering that they are living in a rather conservative part of the world, Wonwoo had expected nothing short of the worst.

Mingyu lightly squeezes Wonwoo’s hand, and it’s a gesture that’s both so comforting yet so painful for his heart to bear. Wonwoo wants to appreciate how warm Mingyu’s hand is, how perfectly it fits with his, but he knows that these thoughts will feel more toxic than anything else. So he tries to push those thoughts as far as he can to the back of his mind.

“You’re my best friend, and I’ll never feel anything short of admiration for you,” Mingyu reassures to Wonwoo. “And if space is what you need, then I’ll absolutely respect that.”

It’s at this moment that Wonwoo remembers why Mingyu is his best friend in the first place. Mingyu never fails to put others before himself and is always so willing to not only hear but understand each side to a story.

“Thank you,” Wonwoo says before releasing his hand from Mingyu’s. “I promise I won’t be such a downer forever.”

Mingyu softly chuckles at Wonwoo’s lighthearted last comment before he gets up from the bed and says, “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”

Wonwoo nods, and Mingyu flashes a timid smile before walking out of the room. This time, Wonwoo finds himself able to smile back, even just the faintest bit.

Sure, it’s not a full toothy smile, but it’s something. And that alone is an accomplishment on its own.

 

 

It has taken a while for Wonwoo to believe that things will get better with time. He knows that while he might not be okay today, or tomorrow, or even next week, he will be okay. His heart will slowly but surely feel whole again the more he immerses himself in the hobbies he enjoys, surrounds himself with the people he cares about (which will eventually include Mingyu), and remembers that his happiness comes from being able to stand on his own two feet rather than relying on someone else to make him feel complete.

Unrequited love hurts, but Wonwoo takes it as nothing short of a valuable growing experience.

**Author's Note:**

> yay wonwoo, yay self-love. i hope you liked my story! 
> 
> i'm always down to talk/spazz with you on twitter (@potatwoo) ♡


End file.
